The Dwarf of Iceberg Castle Words and Music by Garth Kaufmann & Steven Clark Sept. 2006 Dramatis Personae: King Romaine - Lord of Iceberg Castle Queen Endive - his barren wife Radickio - the dwarven jester Spinache - Radickio and Endive's love-child I. Prologue Long ago in a far off land The king he stewed in his castle His lovely bride could bear no heir Oh my what a royal hassle He called for his priest and a cask of wine And then he rose from the table He called for his lowly dancing dwarf And so begins our fable II. In the Iceberg Hall The well-hung dwarf eyes the barren queen As he shows his ass to the frozeen king He remains unseen The footman laughs as he licks the ground The High Priest joins in the joyous sound Plays the fool for now As his antics grow more frantic She lays eyes on his gigantic bulge KING: Well-hung dwarf dance for me. He gives her a lecherous wing The king loses himself in his drink KING: Well-hung dwarf dance for me. III. The Jester's Gesture IV. Take My Head RADICKIO: Hey now little queeny got a well-stocked codpiece and a flagon of mead Come on little sweetie this sawed-off pumpkin's got something you need Let this humble servant escort you to your feather bed If you can't take it all, then baby take the head Little mama the king is sleeping and his footmen are out of sight Come on little ice cube this raging furnace gonna thaw y'all through the night Let this humble servant escort you to your feather bed If you can't take it all, then baby take the head V. The Royal Pyre QUEEN: Now my love Radickio To his chamber you must go Where he lies sleeping you will go creeping Delivering the final blow Take this dagger from my breast Slay the king to pass the test Torch the royal pyre with cleansing fire Town and country need not know VI. From the Ashes The queen's got a bun in the oven The minstrel started to sing What a happy end to this tragic tale Deep from the ashes comes a king VII. The Birth of Spinache SPINACHE: I am Spinache, the Dwarven King And I can do anything. VIII. Epilogue